Yes, It’s Possible to Cheat in the Context of Non-Monogamy
Why you would is a whole other story…
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Before I dig into this story, I would like to put a caveat here.
Sharing this is not intended to make anyone the bad guy or good guy, and I’ve never asked anyone who knows both me and my husband to take sides. I truly believe that both of us have made some big mistakes with each other, we are fundamentally good people with good intentions, but somewhere along the way, we stopped showing the kindness and patience we both have in us, to each other. This situation took a long time to build and came from many directions.
My goal in writing about difficult experiences is to process them for myself and also, to hopefully help others from making similar blunders. I am also happy to say that my husband and I are in a better, albeit separate, place now.
“If I had experienced different things, I would have different things to say.” (Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening)
My husband and I had been open for a few years at this point, and I had been with my current boyfriend for about a year. For the most part, my husband was quite supportive of this relationship and tried to give me the space I needed to experience it fully. But somewhere along the way, I believe he started getting jealous, despite the fact that he had not been the jealous type up to this point.
For some time, he was fully engaged in the process of finding someone, casual or long-term, and was not having much success. At least according to his perspective. I felt like the fact that he’d connected with several women over the period of about 2 years in both serious and some casual capacities was fairly successful.
However, a woman he fell in love with trampled on his heart. Some short-term flings weren’t quite as fulfilling as he’d hoped, and he just wasn’t getting far in finding anything that would stick. All the while he watched as I, the one who didn’t really want to do the open relationship thing, had succeeded in finding a person I loved and was fully engaging in polyamory.
The other issue we had been dealing with since we opened up was that I had a hard time letting him do what he wanted and following spontaneity. I have written about our different styles in the past. I am a planner and like to know what is ahead with time to process, and he wants to follow wherever the wind leads.
These styles did not ever mesh well. And at this point in time, our differences came to a head.
From my perspective, I told him he was free to find someone and follow that through, but I wanted notice as the process unfolded and most definitely before things happened physically. But I knew he hadn’t found anyone, in any capacity, for a long time, so frustration had been building.
Then he found someone.
She was introduced to me as a woman he didn’t see wanting more than friendship. I met her and liked her and agreed we should all hang out again. But at the end of that same day, my husband kissed her and was wanting to start more with her than friendship. I was shocked and not very happy because I felt like I had been blind-sighted. I knew and communicated that he had the right to change his mind, but our agreement was that I was to have notice before he took steps to act on his feelings.
I was upset. And he was upset and thought I was in the wrong.
Despite the fact apologies were never offered, eventually, I calmed down. I took it upon myself to work things out and try and be happy for them. After all, he was happy for me and the man I had found. After this, they proceeded with their relationship in such a way that I was kept in the loop, which I appreciated.
I thought we were on sure footing once again.
But then one night everything changed. Forever.
We had just finished dinner outside on a lovely summer night. We had some wine in our systems — my husband more than I. We were sitting around chatting. Our boys went off to play. And somehow we got into the topic of relationships. I’ll admit details get a bit fuzzy at this point. More alcohol was consumed, and this night upset me so thoroughly that I spent a lot of time trying not to remember it all.
Suffice it to say, before we knew it, things got heated.
Out of the blue, I got accused of blocking what he wanted in his life and I got called all kinds of names and was told I was the most selfish person he had ever met and all kinds of awful things. He then told me, as he was yelling, that he had been sleeping with someone I hadn’t even heard of for a few weeks now. And that he was pursuing things with two people (which had also been our agreement not to do simultaneously). And too bad for me (said in terrible ways).
I was in shock, felt betrayed, and was utterly devastated, and to this day I would say that was one of the worst nights of my life.
We yelled, I sobbed, he swore at me, there was more yelling, and finally, I took off to the far reaches of our property where I could catch my breath and process alone. (One day I will tell the story of how my kids responded to this conversation they should never have heard — our house small — and how they found and took care of me, which forever changed the nature of our relationships).
In one night, my world as I knew it had changed forever. My husband cheated on me in the context of agreed, non-monogamy. It was insane. AND, he blamed me for his actions, saying I pushed him that way because I gave him no choice.
This was simply untrue. The choices you make are always your own. I had cheated in the context of monogamy and yes many factors from both sides lead to that, but in the end, I made a decision. And although it was hard, I owned that decision. He never owned his mistakes, which is what inevitably unravelled our relationship.
I did not make non-monogamy as easy for him as he would have liked, but he knew how I was wired from day one and that it was important for me to keep boundaries and to break new ground together. He broke our agreements and did not take ownership, and it fundamentally changed our relationship forever.
His actions also went against the poly circle we were in because it was a group agreement to be tested all around before engaging physically with a new partner. So to start with, we ceased our physical relationship, believing then, that this was temporary while we worked through all that had happened.
But as time wore on, we realized taking the physical stuff off the table for us was a relief. In our 20-plus years of marriage, we were rarely on the same page sexually and although this was something that had improved over the last few years, (ironically I was very happy with our sex life when this situation happened), it was a struggle for us. So we agreed to keep this off the table, which allowed him to do his sex life more spontaneously without affecting me physically.
It took some years yet to stop sleeping in the same bed and eventually live separately, but this was the best move for us. And our separation has allowed us to rediscover our friendship, which was always our strong point.
In conclusion, yes, it is possible to cheat in the context of non-monogamy. What that means will be different for everyone. This is why it is SO important to discuss and AGREE on protocols everyone is comfortable with long term and to not change them unless it is discussed and mutually agreed upon.
Honesty is paramount in making ethical non-monogamy work! You also need to be vulnerable enough to ask for what you want and need and be open to dialogue. Communication and respect for what everyone needs are key. And of course, at the base of it all — the foundation of trust is vital. Sadly for us, the trust was broken in such a way that was beyond repair.
Please, learn from our mistakes, do the hard and often uncomfortable work, and don’t let this happen to you!