Polyamory Protocol: Striving for the Ethical in ENM
Starting a new relationship in the context of existing ones requires different skills than working within the confines of monogamy.
When more than two people are involved, subscribing to rules, boundaries or protocols of some kind makes sense, especially at the beginning of the relationship.
Going over the top with this process is something many want to do when they get started in any kind of ethical non monogamy situation. It makes us feel safe as we navigate uncharted territory. But going too far often backfires. People tend to want to bust out of boxes as soon as they feel them being closed in around them. There has to be a balance between helping maintain trust and safety in existing relationships and allowing a new one to progress in some kind of normal manner.
When starting a new relationship in the context of other existing ones, your behaviour cannot be the same as working within the confines of monogamy. Everyone’s feelings need to be considered and respected, and I think this is one of the hardest things to implement when navigating non monogamy.
Before going down this road, you need to ask yourself if you have what it takes to put your wants and needs aside if you have a partner who wants or needs something else, or is plain freaking out! It’s important to be true to yourself, but if you’ve made a commitment to another human, you also need to be true to them and honour your agreement.
And sure, this all sounds simple enough when you are only thinking about yourself and your known partner. And then you catch feelings for someone else and things get a lot tougher! Hormones and NRE (new relationship energy) add a challenge to not acting selfishly!
I’ll share a little of my own story in regard to how we went about the early years of non monogamy, both from my and my current partner’s perspectives. I think some things were done well, and other things were done terribly…
When my husband and I opened up, this was immediately a place where our opinions diverged. I should have seen that as a sign of things to come, but we persevered. I wanted ALL the rules and he wanted none. His whole reason for wanting to open up was to be able to act spontaneously. Whereas, I wanted to find long-term love and commitment and was happy to do that within the confines of rules, parameters, plans and boxes — whatever it would take to make me feel safe in the context of change.
We were both unrealistic.
The fact that we each wanted something very different from this experience dictated how we proceeded to find it. In retrospect, I’m not sure if we really ever found a middle ground or not. I kept thinking we were on the same page, and then things would happen in ways I didn’t expect them to, and I’d be thrown off completely, and we’d be back at square one with our discussions.
Panic and I were tight friends in those first years.
What I learned from the way my husband and I did things was — find a better way!
Communication is key.
Everyone says this, and everyone knows this on some level. But I’m telling you — keep talking! Opening up has a way of highlighting problems you never knew you had. You have to delve into the good, bad, uncomfortable, etc…and things need to be hashed out until there is a green light from BOTH parties. This journey is something that is supposed to enhance your life, not bring it crashing down.
I thought we were communicating prolifically, and it still wasn’t enough. We managed the basics (after some screw-ups) like always practising safe sex, always telling the other where you are, no unplanned sleepovers, and stuff like that.
What was fascinating was that when I got a boyfriend, my husband suddenly needed some boundaries in place too. Certain protocols were on the table because, for the first time, my husband was uncomfortable with the unknown. For example, he didn’t want me spending the night with someone else for quite some time, he wanted notice before sex was imminent and basically wanted to be kept in a close loop as things progressed in the relationship.
Low and behold — he didn’t want any surprises!
The lesson we learned from this is that you have to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s not just about what you want and what you are comfortable with. You have to imagine how you might feel if your partner gets what they want, and you are the one essentially left behind.
I loved my husband and wanted to honour my marriage, so I respected his discomfort and did what he asked of me. But it sure was a delicate balance keeping everyone happy and feeling like I was able to move forward in this new relationship — especially as I was falling madly in love with this new man!
Just to complicate matters, on the other side were my boyfriends’ protocols to add to my mix! These were well hashed out between my boyfriend, his wife and his live-in partner, and they were very much set in stone. It felt like there were a lot of rules and the thing I found difficult, on my end, was that they weren’t communicated with me quickly enough.
I felt like I was always catching up to new information after I had desires and wishes for certain outcomes, and I found that frustrating. In my experience, issues and concerns seem to grow exponentially as people are added to the mix and this was probably why they had all these boundaries — there were already 3 of them, each with a different level of comfort in any given situation.
The lesson here is to include the new person in these kinds of discussions before they become more. Not everyone is ok with the same kinds of boundaries as everyone else, and certain things could be a deal-breaker for some.
To give you a few examples, here are some of the rules he and his partners had in place.
I couldn’t call without notice unless it was an emergency (the partner who needed this is no longer in the picture, but to this day I rarely feel free to call my boyfriend on a whim, just because I got so used to this)
We were not able to show any kind of affection other than hugging when greeting or leaving, to each other around the other partners (again, this was for the one partner — this is not an issue with his wife who is still happily in the picture)
We couldn’t kiss until STI testing was done and results were shared all the way around
STI testing was not approached until months after declaring that we were in a relationship we wanted to explore, thus giving everyone time to get used to the idea of someone new being around
We couldn’t spend the night together while at his house until months into the relationship (this was a long-distance thing, so driving all that way and not getting the night together was tough)
Sex (specifically intercourse) was not on the table until some time AFTER STI testing AND kissing and needed notice that it was imminent
Fluid bonding was not an option until my husband and I were no longer engaging sexually, and then it took discussions and more testing all around before this became our norm
I would do things differently this time around. But for the most part, I respected where everyone was at and was fine with it at that time. I was on board with going slowly and making sure all involved were as comfortable as possible because I knew panic and discomfort all too well and had no desire to be the cause of that in someone else. But the kissing one really bugged me! Man, it was hard not to kiss for so long!!
Funny enough, all these rules did not deter our intimacy in the least. We simply got more creative :) Our chemistry was strong as soon as we opened that door, and we had an oddly fulfilling sex life even before we could do many of the things we really wanted to do. But it was a good day when all the rules were thrown out the window, and we were free to play and explore however the mood led!
Everyone has their own way of doing ethical non monogamy, but I’d like to highlight the fact that ETHICAL is the key here! If you want to travel down this road, you must realize it is not just about you. And it never will be. Consider the fact that everyone associated with you is a human with valid thoughts and feelings — even if you don’t know them personally or possibly don’t even like them.
No matter what — always be respectful and, please, go about your actions with integrity.