Make Sure He’s Available BEFORE You Get Involved
I learned this the hard way and lost some valuable friendships over my mistakes.
Once upon a time, there was this guy…
We had been casual friends for a few years. He and I had gotten to know each other through my husband. They shared some mutual hobbies, and his presence waxed and waned as time for their interests did. My husband was in school, starting a new career path, and we were busy having babies and also recovering from a total loss due to a forest fire. Life kept us fully occupied for quite some time.
A few years later, as those parts of our lives were settling down, he came back into our world in a substantial way just as my hubby and I were opening up our marriage. Given the fact that I recently lost most of my friends, and he hardly had any to begin with, we became a magnet for each other. He was seeing someone at the time, and I was aware of this. I tread lightly given my screw-ups of the past and kept things as a no-line-crossing friendship.
He quickly became my confidant and I told him all my secrets. I talked about my past mistakes, and my desire to change my life for the better and to fill it with quality people, and we delved into my stresses regarding opening up as well. It was a perfect situation because he knew my husband well, we were all fairly close, and we all talked to each other about everything, so he acted as a bit of a bridge for us. He had also been engaged in open relationships over the last few years, so he had a bit of wisdom under his belt for us.
Or so I thought.
To make a long story short, I trusted this guy. And given our long history and how we were engaging at that time, I don’t think I was out to lunch to do so.
But then he started pushing the friendship lines as my comfort level with him grew.
It started innocently. But doesn’t it always?! A compliment here and there, requests to spend time together to talk, long texts deep into the night…and soon enough it turned into a much more direct kind of flirting. He would say things like: Do you find me attractive? I find you attractive. What do you like about me? What part of me do you find most attractive? Have you ever thought of us as more than friends? Etc…
It was flattering, and it fed my ego, which was starving at the time. He knew exactly what he was doing, and I was falling for him without even realizing it.
I assumed (this was my first mistake), that he was keeping his girlfriend up to date on our friendship and even the potential for more, given he was “so” experienced with non-monogamy and talked a good game about honesty.
I was mistaken.
One night, he came over for a hang with a few friends. His girlfriend was busy that night and did not join us. She actually rarely joined us, which I should have seen as a red flag.
We had a ton of fun, drank the best gin and tonics of my life, flirted endlessly, and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company. It got late. Everyone went home except him. He’d had too much to drink, after all. So we put him up in our guest bed.
Safety first, right?
My husband went to bed and I went to check on my friend as I was shutting down the house for the night. Turns out, I went to check a little too closely, and before I knew it we were kissing. Kissing soon turned to mad groping as the pent-up tensions of the past months poured out of us. It was rather fantastic!
We didn’t want to, but we stopped ourselves before all our clothes came off. I was a bit nervous about it all as I headed to my own bed, but I honestly thought we’d be ok navigating this. I knew my husband was fine with everything, so first on the agenda was to make sure the girlfriend was ok, and then we could proceed.
Once again — I was mistaken.
The next morning, he took off before I saw him. And then didn’t talk to me.
I sent messages. And the only thing he ever sent back was that he made a mistake and won’t be talking to me again. And after that, he never talked to me again! I was devastated! I was heartbroken! And I was mad! He was my best friend at the time, and he took himself out of my life without even consulting me!
It turns out he never talked to his girlfriend about being non-monogamous, nor did she know of his past in that arena! To make matters worse, I found out that he spread rumours and lies about me. He made it sound like I tempted and then trapped him into making out with me, and that I clearly couldn’t be trusted because of things I had done in the past.
I told him too many things in confidence, and he told people who had no business knowing my ancient history — the people who were involved were dealt with properly, and it was agonizing to have it all brought up again in such an unfair way. He twisted what I told him to get himself out of a sticky situation, and he came out looking squeaky clean. I, on the other hand, had words like “slut” thrown around about me. He tainted my name and ruined the few friendships I had at that time. I lost everyone all over again, and it was brutal.
What did I learn?
Sometimes jerks come disguised as friends
Always ask if that person has practised ETHICAL non-monogamy, not just non-monogamy
Before you start madly flirting, ask how his girlfriend feels about my presence in his life, and get an answer from her if you can’t get a straight one from him
People who look and act strong are often weak and scared and will project their inadequacies onto you
Don’t tell your secrets to people unless you are prepared to have them come out one day
Stop being so naive!
This situation sucked, the timing was terrible as far as my mental health, and I felt taken advantage of big time! There was no question that this man was a jerk and behaved poorly. But I also screwed up and have since learned to be wiser with the company I keep.
I tend to trust people easily and to be fair, giving others the benefit of the doubt has worked well for me in the past. But it can’t be done so naively. I should have kept things innocent until I knew, without a doubt, that he was available. Because in the end, it was me who got hurt.
Live and learn…