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I kept up many conversations and friendships on OkCupid (OKC) before and after I met my sexy cowboy. He became my confidante, but we did not let ourselves become more for a long time yet. He saw clearly that I was on a journey of discovery with my husband, and I was not settled enough yet to be part of something long-term and serious.
I met people and I tried to make myself get into things (swinging and threesomes) that were not necessarily for me but more for the sake of my husband and trying to do non-monogamy together. But I failed at this miserably.
Go figure that trying to be someone you are not doesn’t work out in the long run!
Then there was this woman… I still cringe when I hear her name. She was my husband’s first significant romantic interest once we had strayed from monogamy. They were friends from a club they both belonged to, and I think he developed a crush on her early on. Opening up gave him a venue to pursue this further.
The only problem was that I wasn’t ready.
He kept it as friends first, with lots of late-night texting and calls. I found out somewhere along the way that sexting was starting to happen, and I freaked out, feeling this was a violation of current boundaries (this was after the trip hook-up when I asked him to slow down and back up because I was losing my mind).
She was clearly interested, but he tried to go slowly for me. It wasn’t enough.
I was a bit traumatized from previous situations and couldn’t seem to catch up to my feelings and have a chance to take a breath and think about moving forward.
My husband was exceedingly frustrated by my pace — what he thought should take days, I was thinking of in terms of months. For one thing, I didn’t see the rush. If it was meant to happen, it would, was my thinking.
But he pushed. I pushed back. And then he pushed some more.
Things kept progressing, but I was SO uncomfortable with it all. I felt left out. I felt suspicious and paranoid. And these were all things I’d never felt with him before. It was maddening and frustrating, and I felt downright crazy some days! I finally proposed a solution or at least an option that I thought might help me and also let them progress.
I wanted to be involved.
She was bisexual. Several times, she made innuendos, suggesting she and I try something together. I had no experience in this arena at all, but I was willing to give it a go if I could be part of their dynamic and hopefully alleviate some of my issues.
So we started a group chat.
She and my husband seemed fine with my idea and my reasoning. In fact, they both seemed very excited about my proposal and very much embraced it. At first anyway.
I put myself out there big time. This was terrifying and uncomfortable territory for me, but I went for it for the sake of my marriage. Conversations soon turned sexual. Pictures started getting shared, and it became kind of fun, even for me. Having a woman compliment me and show interest in me in this context was flattering in a way that felt very different from anything I had previously known.
As this progressed, we made suggestions of getting together to see how our dynamic might work in person. But for one reason or another, it never happened. She cancelled every time we got close. We only managed to meet in party settings a few times.
And then one night I got burned.
It was my husband’s birthday party. After everyone had left, she lagged on and on. I was hoping she would leave with everyone else. But the drinking kept going to the point where it was not safe for her to drive, so she lingered.
I went out of the room for a minute, and when I came back, she was suddenly laying on my husband’s lap. She had been across the room when I left, and I was taken aback. I asked what they were doing, and they mumbled and giggled, “nothing”.
I said it was time for bed and I asked my hubby to come upstairs. He said he wasn’t ready. So I went upstairs alone and started panicking.
I came back down and tried again.
They were fully ignoring me, and I was so upset. I’m not sure if I slept a wink that night!
Hubby came to bed hours later. I was furious. This felt like a violation on so many levels. They did not invite me. They did not stop when asked. Repeatedly. I was ignored. I was not respected.
I was not ok. THIS WAS NOT OK!
A caveat should be added here to state that they were both quite drunk. I like to make myself feel better, knowing they were not using all their faculties. I, too, have made some poor decisions while drunk. But in the end, this is not an excuse for poor behaviour. Our inhibitions and thoughts of consequence drop off when inebriated, but for the most part, unless we are blacked out, I think most of us know exactly what we are doing.
I confronted my husband in the morning, and he did not see my point of view at all, and this turned into another wedge between us. After a few days of stewing, I finally confronted her about it, and we talked a bit, but she never owned it as a mistake or apologized either.
Ironically, after all of my efforts, I was told that I was resented for inserting myself into their dynamic!! What??
It was a mess.
This was the end of the group thing for me. I tried to keep communicating for a short while, despite the fact that I felt massively disrespected and unheard. But it didn’t work. I was deeply hurt. So I reset my boundaries and was out.
From day one, I had this thought that she was not to be trusted. But I chalked it up to my own insecurities. Well, it turned out my gut was right. Things progressed with them for a while, but it turned out she had not been honest about her life and her availability. Her lack of follow-through with us both made a lot more sense after some of that information came to light. But she misled my husband over and over as he fell harder and harder.
The ups and downs around her continued for over a year, and she ended up breaking my husband’s heart, as I always suspected she would in the long run.
It was a live-and-learn experience for us both to a large extent. My husband and I worked hard and got past a lot of this experience. But sadly, this drawn-out situation highlighted how very different our approaches in this journey were. Our patterns and behaviours were not compatible.
I learned two very valuable lessons through this mess:
1) Don’t try and be someone you aren’t, even in the name of compromise for a person you love!
2) Listen to your gut! Always!
Thanks for reading!